


ZOLTAN

by vanhunks



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-06-09 02:09:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6884941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanhunks/pseuds/vanhunks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SUMMARY (1)</p><p>TUVOK: Curious. I have never understood the human compulsion to emotionally bond with inanimate objects. This vessel has done nothing. It is an assemblage of bulkheads, conduits, tritanium, nothing more.<br/>JANEWAY: Oh, you're wrong. It's much more than that. This ship has been our home. It's kept us together. It's been part of our family. As illogical as this might sound, I feel as close to Voyager as I do to any other member of my crew.  [From Year of Hell Part II]</p><p>SUMMARY (2)</p><p>A ship. A man. New Year Resolutions. Kathryn needs help. At least, that’s what Chakotay thinks.</p><p>Disclaimer: Paramount owns Janeway and Chakotay. Zoltán is mine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> AUTHOR'S NOTES
> 
> 1\. Delta Story’s SS request for the 2007 VAMB Secret Santa went to a certain writer. She thought I might have written that story, but lo! I was innocent. However, the lady issued a challenge to me to write one using the same request and I accepted. Thank you, Delta! 
> 
> 2\. Delta's SS Request: "As for my request, I'd prefer a story but if you're in a bind, anything will do. If it ends up a story, I'd like a J/C story (any rating) in which VOY is back in the Alpha Quadrant and it's New Year's. Janeway has made three New Year's resolutions -- what are they and how is she going to fare in accomplishing them? (No babyfic, please! But a triangle or even a threesome might prove to liven up things a bit! " 
> 
> 3\. Title: The story evolved through three titles. At first I called it "chili verde", a reference by Delta S in the SS thread on VAMB's Mess Hall. Then I thought of Barbara Streisand and decided on "Guilty Pleasures" before I finally decided on "Zoltán". You'll soon see who "Zoltán" is. I was trying out names online and was looking for a strong masculine name and thought "Zoltán" favoured by Hungarians fitted the bill.
> 
> Timeline: Set not long after “Workforce”

* * *

 

**CHAPTER 1:** **PREAMBLE**

 

It was the second six-week shift cycle on Voyager. At 0200 Janeway exited the turbolift on Deck Six. Just as she had hoped, the corridor was isolated. She had gone undetected from her quarters on deck 2 to the turbolifts. The stillness was more a comforting cloak than something unsettling, such as anticipating the sudden appearance of crew. Two nights ago she had nodded sternly to Noah Lessing who had frowned at seeing her, but scurried off after greeting her. No doubt the Equinox Five at least, would know that she haunted Deck Six in the dead of night.

 She was still in uniform, her boots marking the only sound as she approached the Holographic Research Laboratory. On an impulse she looked around, just to make sure there were no footsteps heading in her direction, or insomniac crewmembers like Lessing wandering the decks. She tried to temper her own growing anticipation by taking deep breaths, the tingling sensation lessening only marginally.

 Standing rigidly at the door, she gave a sigh before keying in her codes. The doors slid open and she entered, ensuring a privacy lock on the doors before she made her way to the computer console near the middle of the holographic lab.

 "Computer, access Janeway Beta 4-7-7".

 "Accessing library computer data," responded the male voice of the computer.

 "Computer, establish voice command for Janeway Beta 4-7-7."

 A few beeps, and then a male voice:

 "Acknowledged. How may I help you tonight, Kathryn?"

 Kathryn smiled. Voyager's female voice had irritated her in the last year and for herself only, she had changed it to sound masculine - a strong, gravelly voice that could sound charming and coaxing at the same time. She loved his voice. She loved him. He sounded like a blend of Benjamin Sisko and old Earth twentieth century actor Ronald Colman. She named him Zoltán. A strong, two syllabled name. She liked the idea of a name sounding as masculine and hard like Zoltán, and then having him be tender… Kathryn sighed with pleasure just thinking about Zoltán's caressing tones, her fingers lightly touching the LCARS panel.

 "You know what I'd like tonight, Zoltán?"

 "I should keep my Kathryn company? Offer to read her a book?"

 "Well, perhaps not." 

 Kathryn chuckled, feeling the heat of the room against her skin. Soon she'd have to remove her uniform jacket.

 "Just by way of kidding you, Janeway. You visit me three out of seven nights. Do you want me to assume the same guise as before?" Zoltán's voice sounded more gravelly, his tone provocative.

 "You know I don't like - "

 "Human holograms. I know your needs, Kathryn, my love. I understand them. We're connected, you and I…from the beginning," Zoltán replied as she began removing her jacket, breathing a sigh of relief the moment she threw it on the floor.

 Kathryn stared at the panels. She had only two replicas based on designs of the main computer core and the warp core. She liked them both. They each had a uniqueness as indispensable and critical Voyager systems, but tonight she wanted the main computer core positioned in the middle of the lab.

 "I detect an increased heart rate, Kathryn. Your pulse and heartbeats are racing. And, my love, I also detect increased pheromone levels."  Zoltán's voice became huskier. "You are ready. What do you want me to be?"

 "Main computer core."

 A second later a replica of the main computer core appeared in the middle of the lab. An opening, wide enough to walk through, broke the circular form. In the middle was the high backed padded silver armless chair she had programmed. Zoltán was right. She was ready for him. Her palms were sweaty, a thin film of perspiration already coated her face and arms and her own core was beginning to throb. She could feel how damp she was there. Zoltán smelled her.

 Kathryn stepped round the computer console and stared at Zoltán, preparing to sit down on the chair Her lips were dry; she licked them, gratified when they became moist. She sat down on the chair. Slowly, the backrest reclined until she lay almost fully stretched out. She reached for a visor-like contraption she had secured on a bracket against one wall of the computer core with its blue illumination. The illumination pulsed from blue to white to soft yellow before returning to the blue. She felt the heat of the pulsing light against her bare arms and moaned with delight. The core whirred softly in compliance.

 "Who am I, Kathryn?"

 " Zoltán."

 "And Zoltán is Voyager…"

 "Zoltán is Voyager," she repeated after the Sisko-Colman voice.

 "I am your lover. You love no other. You can love no other but Zoltán."

 "Yes…"

 "Come, Kathryn. Let me help you tonight…"

 "Yes, Zoltán," she whispered as she put on the visor.

 "All over, Kathryn? Like last night?"

 "Everything, Zoltán. Make my body lust for you like never before…"

 ********

 END CHAPTER 1

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn harbours a guilty secret and Chakotay is determined to find out what she's hiding...

 

* * *

**Alpha Quadrant. A year later…**

 Chakotay sat in brooding silence on the bridge of Voyager. Occasionally he felt Tuvok glance in his direction, but he ignored his first officer. They were on a mission to the Gamma Quadrant, to transport Admirals Swanson and Ambassador Grell to the Zenbok system. It was a mission which would see him return to Earth only in March of the new year.

 It was New Year's Eve. The dignitaries were stationed at Deep Space Nine. They were fourteen hours away now. He was irritated, had wanted to be at home and now, with this mission foisted on him and his crew, it had extended their time in deep space another three months.

 Sighing, he sat back in his command chair - Kathryn's old chair - bracing his elbow on the armrest and his hand under his chin. Tom Paris kept his eyes on the main viewscreen but his chief pilot was whistling something. Paris seemed to be in good humour. He had to be. B'Elanna, back at the Academy after Miral's birth, her second and third year waived, finished top of her class. He had always had faith in Torres, had sworn by the spirits when he negotiated for her as Voyager's Chief Engineer, that she was the only person for the job.

 He couldn't smile. He was mad. Mad as hell.

 Another, more serious issue had to be resolved. He gave an inward groan. Kathryn was not going to like it. Not one single bit.

 It was Seven of Nine, his Science Officer, who had come to him this morning early, PADD in hand. He had been studying the profiles of four new crewmembers who had boarded Voyager at Earth's orbital station, thinking of inviting them to a drink in the observation lounge. They had been recommended by Kathryn.

 "Enter."

 When Seven of Nine stood inside the doors of the ready room, he smiled involuntarily. She had been accepted by Starfleet as a senior officer, given a field commission on Kathryn's recommendation. Seven had stood in front of him, dressed in the latest uniform of Starfleet. A dramatic change from her earlier cat suits.

 "Seven, it's 0600."

 "Noted, Captain," she had replied, a half smile forming. "But I have completed my regeneration - "

 "You don't need to, Annika," he had replied with a frown.

 "Force of habit, Captain. It feels good. I like to recharge."

 "At 0500?"

 "At 0500."

 "What can I do for you?" he had asked, having noticed the PADD in her hand. He waived his hand; Seven stepped up to him, stood on attention.

 "At ease, Annika. You have known me long enough to consider me your friend. No one's watching us."

 "Indeed, Captain. But I prefer that protocol be maintained."

 He shook his head. They had had one or two dates, just before they arrived back in the Alpha Quadrant. After that, any notion that they could make something of it, just died naturally, although they remained friends.

 "Fine. Now, anything you wish to report?"

 Annika had handed him the PADD; after punching in a few keys, he had given a cursory glance at the information. Then he frowned heavily.

 "Who is Zoltán?" he asked.

 "That is what I want to know from you, Captain. I thought you might throw light on the matter. I discovered this programme still encrypted in the library of the Holographic Research Laboratory."

 "Seven, I thought all the crew were instructed to save their programmes to their own personal vidcoms before deleting them from Voyager's library. "

 "Indeed, Captain. This programme - it is still encrypted in the research lab's computer. It belongs to Admiral Janeway - "

 "Kathryn?"

 "Aye, Captain. However, the encryption is so embedded, I have been unable to - "

 "Seven…" he had said with a warning tone.

 "I know, Captain. The only bit of information that I could access is that a subroutine of the programme is named Zoltán. I respect Admiral Janeway's privacy."

 "Then Admiral Janeway is still using the programme, Seven."

 Seven nodded. "There's more."

 "What?"

 "When was the last time Admiral Janeway spent time on Voyager?"

 He sighed. It was three weeks ago. She had been preoccupied, but her influence in Starfleet Command could get her a weekend vacation on her old ship. In the last year... He closed his eyes. Stretching his memory, he realised she had been on the ship at least once a month. They had had dinner in the mess hall together, conducted conversation in convivial mood. They had joked how she couldn't free herself from her ship, how possessive she had always sounded when she spoke about "my ship." Yes, they had joked about it.

 Not once had he felt that she encroached on his command of Voyager, or questioned his style of leadership. They were friends, perfect friends, he always thought. Maybe once upon a time there could have been something between them. That there wasn't, didn't bother him, as long as he knew that she would always be in his orbit, be his friend, his intimate friend exactly the way it had been in the Delta Quadrant. He couldn't imagine not having Kathryn somewhere in his working life, and on occasion, in his personal life too. Other than conversing with him, she spent her time in the holodecks or in her designated Admiral's suite, or…the hydroponics bay..

 "Captain?"

 "Three weeks ago, for a weekend getaway."

 "Admiral Janeway seemed troubled."

 "Yes…yes, I noticed, Annika."

 "I am concerned."

 "As I am. I'll look into this. She's…oh, hell, she's at Deep Space Nine…"

 "Waiting to board Voyager."

 He had nodded, too concerned to say anything.

 "Well, Captain. It may be nothing at all, but do you not think it unusual for a former captain of this vessel to have such a connection to the ship? To bond with an inanimate object -  this ship is merely a vessel designed to perform specific functions. Other than that it is a collection of bulkheads and conduits…"

 He had looked up, gazed long at Seven of Nine. He had thought about it before, many nights lying on his bed in his quarters. They had been a family living in close quarters on Voyager for seven years. They all had a bond, and Kathryn in particular felt closer to her ship than most of the crew. He felt close to Voyager, as if it were his second skin. He could understand Kathryn feeling like that, not wanting to lose contact with her old ship, or just to break away from her desk and sail into deep space to experience the streak of stars, super novas, cosmic borealis, visit planets never visited before. She had been born to command, born to traverse the skies. Voyager witnessed her descent into depression, witnessed her joy, her passion, her life. Every bulkhead and conduit and corridor and deck and transporter platform breathed Kathryn. Yes, he could understand that she felt connected to her ship and was loath to let go.

 "No," he said heavily, "I don't think it unusual."

 ************

 That had been at 0600 this morning. He had been unable to relax after Seven's visit. Later he had sat in the mess hall talking with four new crewmembers -  two ensigns and two young junior grade lieutenants. He had been courteous, told them not to be afraid of him. He had heard how the old Maquis contingent on Voyager instilled the fear of the devil in newcomers by telling them the captain would roast and eat them for dinner. If they stepped out of line just two centimetres to the left or right, they could expect to decked and kiss the floor. So the four of them sat rigidly in his presence, not very willing to loosen their tongues. By the end of that conversation he was exhausted, promising silently to kill Dalby, Ayala, Henley and the Prussian Johann Baedeker.

 He had returned to the bridge where he felt the most at ease, to reflect on Seven of Nine's report. He had no issues with Kathryn spending time on her old ship. It was normal, wasn't it? The crew accepted her presence in good spirit, always welcoming her warmly. That way she maintained contact with them. They were happy. She was happy. He didn't mind. He could see his old friend and confidant in the flesh.

 It was an arrangement that suited him. That way his own helpless longing for her could be assuaged. Over the years he had known that Kathryn was never going to look on him as a possible life partner or even go so far as to indulge in an affair with him while her mission to get her people home. That task superseded all feeling, all prospects of tenderness, of love, of making a home within a home with him as husband, lover, friend, mentor, moral compass. He had been content just being with her.

 One day, he knew, it wasn't going to be enough anymore.

 A programme with a subroutine called Zoltán augured something strange, unknown. There was no Fair Haven anymore; Paris had deleted that programme after most of the crew had lost interest in it and his re-enactment of twentieth century classic movies and novels became the new craze. He doubted seriously that Kathryn was still mooning around with Michael Sullivan in the holodeck. In fact, she had boasted at one time that she became Ilse Lund who was in love with Rick in "Casablanca". Everybody loved "Casablanca".

 Zoltán, however, was something different. Whoever  Zoltán was.

 He had been sitting down to lunch in the mess hall when a shadow fell over him. He looked up and saw Lessing towering above him.

 "She comes down to the hydroponics bay whenever she visits, Captain," Lessing started without preamble.

 He had suspected that. Kathryn had always been interested in all things that happened on her ship. Hydroponics was home to her precious tomato seedlings. Even now…

 "How do you know that's what I wanted to hear, Lessing?"

 "Just that you look like thunder, liked she looked when she threatened to kill me. Seven of Nine informed me, purely because she thought I talk to the admiral whenever she's in hydroponics and that I should fill you in. Captain, I do believe something's wrong with Admiral Janeway and I hope that you can do something about it. It will be a new year tomorrow."

 "Your point?"

 "Well, people make resolutions, don't they? I'm sure you're part of the admiral's new year's resolutions."

 "Lessing…"

 "Thank you, Captain. This is the point where I'll leave. I'd just like to add…"

 "What?"

 "The admiral had forgotten I was standing there. I heard her mention the name Zoltán. No one has ever heard of Zoltán. Who is Zoltán?"

 Was he the only one who didn't know there was something going on in Kathryn's life?

 "That's none of your business, Lessing."

 "And one more thing, Captain…"

 "What now, Lessing?"

 "You do know that this has been going on for almost two years? Some crew called her the ghost of Deck Six. She used to wander there in the dead of night. And then of course…"

 "Lessing!"

 "Thank you, Captain. That will be all, Captain. I may be a full head taller than you, but I do not wish to kiss the floor."

 ***

 After Lessing left, Chakotay, filled with deep suspicion about Kathryn's actions aboard the ship, began to think himself into justifying breaking Kathryn's code in the Holographic Research Lab. It didn't take long to evolve from respecting a personal friend's privacy to deciding how essential it was to determine the reason behind the bleak look in Kathryn's eyes, her quietness the last time she had been on Voyager. Her detachment from him during their conversation made taking steps to find out what was wrong and how to correct it, of critical importance. Kathryn might tell him to go to hell, but she had hardly looked rested at the end of her last visit.

 Seven of Nine's report and Noah Lessing's testimony in the mess hall left no uncertainty in his mind that it had to do with a person, possibly a new hologram:

 Zoltán.

 If Lessing and Seven of Nine, far less inclined to speculation and gossip-mongering than any other member of his crew, knew of a Zoltán, he could assume that a good many other crewmembers and officers knew. Everyone had known about Michael Sullivan, thanks to Neelix, Voyager's public broadcaster. Seven of Nine based her finding on precisely that: a routine inspection of the ship's library and computer systems, especially the holodecks. Lessing had actually heard Kathryn mentioning Zoltán.

 While Tuvok had taken over the bridge, he had made his way to the Holographic Research Lab, keying in Kathryn's old command codes to enter. Old Maquis trick had become old hat. It was easy to get in on Kathryn's older codes. That way, the computer system recognised the entry codes, preparing for a Janeway voice command or text access code.

 "Very clever, Kathryn," he murmured once the feeling of guilt passed and he began the decryption sequences, bypassing voice command until he could overlay his own voice on that of Janeway. After about forty minutes of entering combinations of codes, he traced her main code as well as the subroutine for Zoltán. Then the real work started. Just to use voice override cost another thirty minutes.

 Then, finally…

 "Computer, access Janeway Beta 4-7-7", he said, in Kathryn's Janeway's voice.

 "Accessing library computer data," responded the male voice of the computer. Chakotay frowned. Voyager's computer voice was female… This voice sounded gravelly, deep and somewhat melodious, he conceded not without envy.

 "Computer, establish voice command for Janeway Beta 4-7-7."

 A few beeps and then:

 "Acknowledged. How may I help you this afternoon, Kathryn?"

 Chakotay felt like something punched him in the gut. He could see on the data stream that there were only two holographic interfaces in this subroutine. Where was the hologram Zoltán? There was only a holographic replica of the warp core and the main computer core.

 "You seem to know what I want… Zoltán," he hazarded a guess. A male voice. It could easily be Zoltán.

 "Oh, my Kathryn. You are too early. One whole week early. Did you miss me?"

 His consternation grew alarmingly. This was no ordinary hologram. He saw no imitation of a human in the middle of the lab. What was Kathryn thinking? Doing? The voice Zoltán possessed the normal parameters for autonomic responses and stimuli, and then more.

 "Yes, I miss you very much," he told Zoltán.

 "What guise shall I be tonight, my love?"

 Chakotay bit his lips to prevent an involuntary exclamation. _My love_?

 Chakotay looked at the LCARS data. He had to make a decision. Zoltán was giving him leading questions.

 "The main computer core."

 The next moment a representation of the main computer core appeared in the middle of the floor. Chakotay frowned. In the middle of the computer was a chair in a reclining position.

 "Kathryn, darling, have you changed your DNA?" Zoltán asked.

 Chakotay could kick himself. His fingerprints were all over the panels. Zoltán picked it up.

 "Oh, Zoltán! I visited Captain Chakotay in his ready room, had lunch with him in his quarters and we played Velocity today. Of course I touched Captain Chakotay in the process!" 

 "Captain Chakotay, your great friend? That is good, sweet Kathryn, that you have a _friend_."

 Chakotay could have sworn Zoltán sounded sarcastic. More like he was jealous too. He wiped the perspiration from his forehead with the back of his hand and gave a sigh of relief.

 "Thank you, Zoltán. You understand me too well."

 Chakotay kept his eyes on the main computer core with its armless chair in the middle. Spirits! Could Kathryn…?

 "What shall I do for you today, my love?"

 Chakotay moved toward the centre of the room, his palms sweaty, itching, his heart racing, his mind whirling with a thousand questions. His eyes burned, of what, he knew not. They were not tears. They were not wet imaginings of a bygone time on Voyager. He only knew, felt an anger like he had never before experienced.

 Ruthlessly he reined his emotion as he sat down on the reclining seat, not leaning back like he knew Kathryn would have done.

 "Take the visor, Kathryn, and let me soothe you…" Zoltán commanded.

 Chakotay took the visor and slowly slipped it over his eyes.

 A second later, a blinding flash. Then…

 "Oh, my God…"

 *****

 "Captain, you should be going off-duty,” he heard Tuvok say. Tuvok's voice brought him back to the present and Chakotay blinked as he stared at the main viewscreen. For a moment he felt disoriented and stupid enough to ask, "Where are we?"

 "Still hours away. You require rest, Captain. I suggest you take it now."

 “Thank you, Tuvok. I want to be here when we dock at Deep Space Nine."

 "Aye, Captain."

 Chakotay left the bridge and made his way to his quarters. He was exhausted, but not sleepy. A good long shower, a book of Kathryn's she had left during her last visit and some good old Earth music would just be the thing.

 He was reading Pride and Prejudice but all the time he was reading, he thought of Kathryn and Zoltán. There was no time to feel jealous or rage against her in her absence. He had to do something, or Kathryn was going to waste away. He thought of something she had told him once, while they were travelling through Krenim space. He had given her the fob watch and chain for her birthday. A quiet evening spent in the holodeck representation of her Indiana lounge with a crackling fire. They had spoken about how the crew had become a family, how they loved the challenges thrown at them. Kathryn had told him about a conversation on that very topic she had had with Tuvok.

 "He said that he could never understand the human compulsion to bond emotionally with inanimate objects like dolls and toy targs and a ship like Voyager."

 "Toy targs, huh. Of course it's human. A compulsion? I don't think so."

 "Then he told me that Voyager was a vessel that has done nothing for us. It is an assemblage of bulkheads, conduits, tritanium, nothing more."

 "I can guess what you told him, but you're going to tell me anyway, right?"

 "Oh, yes! I told him Voyager is much more than that. It has been our home. It's kept us together. It's been part of our family. As illogical as this might sound, I feel as close to Voyager as I do to any other member of my crew."

 Only this morning, Seven of Nine had quoted almost verbatim Tuvok's sentiment. Chakotay groaned in agony as he remembered Kathryn's words that night. How close to Voyager she was was brought glaringly home in the Research Laboratory, with Zoltán and, more disturbingly, what Zoltán represented. His discovery let the bile rise in him again, for he could place Kathryn's words of then into its context now.

 Something had to be done. Kathryn needed help.

 ****

 Naturally, he never closed an eye after the discoveries of the day before and when he stood in the transporter room at 0600 the following morning to receive the ambassador and Admiral Swanson, he was dispirited and irritable. He had welcomed them warmly, managed to hide his disquiet and then made sure they were safely ensconced in their quarters first before waiting for Kathryn's arrival.

 She had arrived in her private shuttle and docked with Voyager an hour after the dignitaries arrived. He waited for her in the shuttle bay.

 The moment she stepped down the platform, he felt better seeing her and his concerns and anger, his tiredness and itchiness forgotten for the moment. He was just glad to see her. She wore a dress and looked incredibly beautiful, her hair swaying about her face as she moved towards him. Her dress was ankle length, a lot like the blue dress she had worn on New Earth. It brought back wondrous memories.

 "Chakotay!"

 She rushed forward after an ensign had grabbed her duffel and sped away with it to her suite.

 "Well, well, well, Kathryn. I must say you look good," he responded, pulling her to him and kissing her on the cheek, prolonging the hug. She did look much better than the last time he had seen her. "You should always wear a dress, Kathryn," he said when he held her a little away from him, but not releasing his touch on her shoulders.

 "Glad you like it, Chakotay." She gave him a piercing look, her eyes narrowing. "You look like hell. Did you sleep at all?"

 "Let's just say it was the thought of your arrival and being in my company once again that kept me awake."

 "Hmmm, one lousy explanation come and gone."

 "It's true, but don't let it worry you. I'll take a nap. Tonight. At bed time." 

 Kathryn laughed, hooked her arms through his as they headed for the cargo bay entrance and in the direction of the nearest turbolift.

 Chakotay couldn't understand his own feelings. They were conflicting emotions that rushed through him like an ocean wave hurtling towards the shore before collapsing against the beach. He wanted to understand her connection to Zoltán, wanted to tell her furiously that she was on a path of self-destruction, that there were other, healthier alternatives. On the other hand, he was glad that she was on Voyager, that he could be in her company for a whole weekend. He loved her and for a moment he closed his eyes as he stood in the turbolift with her.

 He loved her. The admission of that fact came quietly to him. He had always known how he felt, always, but over the years had shielded that part of him most vulnerable to Kathryn's amazing attraction. And so he had never thought about it again. It was just something that lived with him, was a part of him, meshed into his bloodstream, the walls and arteries and cells and organs and every step he took.

 It was why he could afford to be the friend, the confidant, the mentor, the loyal first officer without ever wanting to climb the bulkheads and scream his desperate obsession and frustration.

 Now the thought, the knowledge came flooding back, all because of Zoltán.

 "Something must be the matter, Chakotay," Kathryn said softly, smiling. "You're very quiet."

 "Sorry. Just thinking about a few things."

 "Am I somewhere in there?"

 "Of course. See you at lunch time in the mess hall?"

 "That would be great. I'd like to walk the ship before then."  Kathryn gave a sigh of wonder. "It's good to be back on my ship, Chakotay."

 When he left her at the entrance to her private suite, and heading for the bridge, he couldn't help but think how Kathryn spoke again of Voyager as "my ship".

 It haunted him the entire day.

 ******************* 

 END CHAPTER TWO

 


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

 

 Kathryn sagged against the sofa, breathing a sigh of relief. It had taken some effort and more to be buoyant in Chakotay's presence. He had given her querying looks the last time she had been on board Voyager and knew he was trying to divine something about her.

 She could stop pretending to be cheerful and upbeat now and just concentrate on her time in the Research laboratory. She felt itchy all over, even between her legs. It had started two weeks ago, barely a week after her last visit. It brought home the fact that she'd have to make more frequent visits to Voyager. Other than sacking Chakotay and demanding that Owen Paris demote her to Captain again and hand Voyager over to her, there seemed little way out for future visits.

 When they returned to the Alpha Quadrant, she had made some New Year resolutions. There were only three:

_Prepare visits to Voyager._

_Maintain contact with Chakotay._

_Prepare visits to Voyager._

 She had done that in the last year. If they noticed it as unusual, she ignored it. What to do for the New Year? Maintain contact with Chakotay. She couldn't afford to lose him. Maintain Contact with Voyager. She couldn't afford to lose him. Break up with Voyager. How?

 She needed to be on her ship, needed him more and more as time went by. She was struggling to get through the daily routine of office work, most days just yearning to get back to the ship. No other ship would do.

 It had to be Voyager.

 It had to be Zoltán.

 Sighing again, she thought how pinched Chakotay appeared when he had come to meet her in the shuttle bay. Pinched, worried and…angry? She couldn't put her finger on the anger part, and the worried look baffled her just as much. Could he suspect something? She had executed intricate security codes to ensure no one broke into her programmes. Seven of Nine would have to work hours to decode them. Besides, they respected her privacy.

 Still, she was dying to get to the research lab. She had begun to suffer palpitations even during the day and knew if she didn't get to Zoltán soon, she'd be a mess within a very short time. She missed Zoltán like her very breath.

 Smiling, Kathryn thought of her creation with the gravelly, yet coaxing, mellow voice. Her eyes closed as she began to quiver with need, her palms cupping her breasts, her core throbbing. She imagined he called her.

  _Kathryn…Kathryn…Kathryn… Come to me, Kathryn…_

Reluctantly she opened her eyes, removed her palms from her breasts and headed for the bathroom. She felt sticky between her legs. She needed a long soak in her tub. Another smile crossed her features. Chakotay had reserved a suite for her and no one else used it, even when she wasn't visiting Voyager. He had installed a tub which resembled more a jacuzzi. It did have jets and the cooling pressure of the water against her skin allowed her to relax.

 Strange how her thoughts kept straying to Chakotay and the way he looked. They had always been friends, great friends. Whatever she did, wherever she wandered, her footsteps seemed to bring her right back to him. She became worried when he was worried, a state of affairs that had often prevailed during their Delta Quadrant days. When he had been under pressure and having a hard time, it had affected her too. The same had happened when she had fallen into gloom. He'd be worried that she'd not snap out of it or he'd do everything in his power to cheer her up or offer pleasant diversions.

 "I shouldn't worry about him…he's perfectly capable of looking after himself," she murmured to herself.

  _There is only one man in your life, darling Kathryn. You know I cannot exist without you…_

How did Zoltán's words suddenly steal into her thoughts? Her heart began to beat faster, arrhythmic beats that made her almost cry out.

  _I love you, Kathryn. How can you ever doubt your Zoltán?_

"I love you too, Zoltán," came her pained whisper. Closing her eyes, she allowed thoughts of Zoltán to fill her being.

 **

 After lunch with Chakotay, Kathryn couldn't wait to get back to her suite. Chakotay seemed preoccupied, his responses stilted whenever she addressed him. He liked her new dress though, a peach-beige ankle-length dress like the one she had worn the morning. She had smiled when she slipped the garment over her head, thinking that she was mad dressing the way Chakotay desired. Zoltán had no such qualms. He took her in anything.

 She was becoming inflamed again, inflamed and breathless. She needed to visit the Research Lab, to assuage her longing. It wasn't enough that she almost went on her knees to kiss the floor and the bulkheads, press her fingers longingly against the headboard of her bed, caressing the vidcom monitor. It was madness, but she was too overjoyed to be back, even if only for a weekend. There'd be many weekends, she decided, but the time between them seemed to expire at an alarming rate. A cursory glance in her mirror made her smooth her hair, add a touch or lipstick, slip on a pair of pumps to go with the dress.

 Chakotay had departed for the bridge, after which he'd scheduled a meeting with his other guests. She knew Admiral Swanson, though not too well, although he was a long standing colleague of her stepfather, and only heard of Ambassador Niemeyer. Sometime during course of the weekend she'd invite them to join her for dinner in the mess hall.

 With Chakotay gone, the bridge crew busy and most other crewmembers engaged in their various departments, Kathryn prepared to leave and make her way to Deck Six. She felt the excitement and anticipation rise in her. She was a little breathless when she reached Deck Six. It was Alpha Shift and she had only greeted a few crewmembers who passed her in the corridors. She didn't know them. They were new crew assigned to Voyager only in the last few weeks, she surmised.

 She took a deep breath as she entered her code and the doors slid open. When they closed behind her, she smiled, feeling the old familiarity of the bulkheads enveloping her. Her breathing became erratic and her hands shook as she looked about her. Nothing new, but oh, so close and familiar that her eyes became moist from just the memories.

 "Computer, access Janeway Beta 4-7-7".

 "Accessing library computer data," responded the male voice of the computer.

 "Computer, establish voice command for Janeway Beta 4-7-7."

 A few beeps, and then a male voice:

 "Kathryn, my love! How did you return to me so soon?"

 "Soon? I only arrived today, Zoltán. But it's nice of you to miss me so."

 "Ah, but you were here, twenty four hours ago."

 "Really?"

 She frowned, entering a few keys on the console panel, thinking that Zoltán was malfunctioning. Or, could he be so human that he could actually forget?

 "I'm sorry, my love. I was mistaken. Did you touch Chakotay?"

 "Who is Chakotay?" she asked, deliberately baiting him.

 "You know him, Kathryn. He is my nemesis, my opponent, my enemy, my arch-rival, he is….flesh and blood…"

 " Zoltán! Aren't you getting ahead of yourself? And so jealous too. Of course I touched Chakotay. I had my palm against his cheek, my fingertips brushing his tattoo, if you must know."

 "I must know."

 "Oh, Zoltán… You have nothing to worry about," she purred. Instantly, Zoltán became attuned to the caressing sound of her voice. She could think about Chakotay later. Right now, her nipples were hard, her breasts straining against her dress.

 "What shall I be for you now, my love?"

 "Main computer core…"

 There was a pause, as if the programming malfunctioned, then, "You asked that yesterday, love."

 "And I ask it now…" Did she hear Zoltán sigh?

 The computer core appeared in the middle of the floor and Kathryn gave a cry of pleasure. She had left her seat in a reclining position the last time and now, looking at it, it signalled her. She moved swiftly to the seat and lay down on it. Immediately the seat and the wall of the computer core seemed to welcome her, enfolding her in warmth that spread through her body.

 "My love…"

 Already she was wet with need just listening to the caressing endearment. Taking the visor she slipped it on.

 Instantly, her vision expanded into colour - swirling thick cream laced with orange, red, lilac, all merging into beauty. Her heart hammered wildly.

 "Make love to me, Zoltán…"

 "Anytime, my wanton little hussy."

 A soft, whirring sound, then she felt the tiny pricks of light against her skin - impulses so sensual that they connected to her nervous system, sending millions of messages through her body. Her whole body arched. They touched her arms all over, her legs, her breasts, her face, penetrated deeply. They exploded into bright blue, then became soft, urgent tentacles that moved about her body like hands.

 Her lips felt dry, but even this Zoltán sensed as a tentacle caressed her lips, instantly causing them to become moist. Her nipples were so hard she cried out as the electric tentacles began to prick her breasts first.

 "Oh…that's good…"

 Her breathing became low, hoarse moans as she arched to get maximum benefit from the pricks, burning away her dress, leaving only her skin exposed.

 "No bra and panty today, I notice," murmured Zoltán as he let the light tentacles caress her mouth, her cheeks, pinch her nipples. Her legs parted instinctively. She moved up the skirt of her dress. She brushed over her core with trembling fingers.

 "Wonderful. I can see your pussy throbbing. It wants me there. Do you want me there, my love?"

 "Oh, yes…"

 She pulled her dress high over her thighs and spread her legs so that her knees slipped off the narrow seat. She waited while the meandering and swirling colours whipped her into a frenzy, causing her to pant like mad. The walls of the main computer core became alive, moved about her, its tentacles reaching into her. She bucked her hips, impatient to be touched by Zoltán. At first, a soft tickling of her moist, dripping folds, just enough to tease her into begging.

 "Yes, more…more…"

 Then, her lips were prized further apart, the air whooshing around her lower body and sucking into her core. Soft caressing inside her lips, the skin slipping back from her pink, hard nub. Kathryn sucked in her breath, feeling ready to explode.

 "Oh, God…fuck me, Zoltán, now!"

 "Oh, Kathryn, always in a hurry to orgasm…patience, my lovely…"

 "I can't…"

 "Oh, yes, you can, my love."

 A stream of impulses started, little pricks against her nub, flicking it back and forth, gently brushing against the inner walls of her pussy. The sensation of ecstasy became unbearable as perspiration began to form on her brow, her bosom. Her breathing was so erratic that she thought she'd expire. She was filling up, beginning to float, lifted higher and higher.

 She gave little cries of pleasure as Zoltán flicked her nub slowly, slowly, driving her mad with passion. She raised her hips, but he kept her pressed down, kept her legs spread wide. She wanted him.

 Now…

 Hard breathing, moaning, her head thrashing from side to side as the pressure built up in her. She began to sob.

 "Come on, Zoltán, fuck me…"

 Next moment she could feel the tentacles, as if merging into a thick whip like organ, pushing open her slick folds, and pressing in. He stretched her pussy, pressed agonisingly slowly into her, stretching, stretching so that it hurt. She cried out loud, begging that he hurry, lifting her hips to allow further entry. Her dripping folds closed like a clam around the thick swathe, sucking him into her.

 "Oh, yes," whispered Zoltán in his incredibly sexy voice. The heat spread through her in never-ending stream, and still Zoltán spread her walls until she couldn't stand it any longer. Her sobbing increased, her body craving more, craving release from the unbearable sensation of ecstasy. Then, a final push.

 "I'm home, Kathryn," Zoltán croaked in an uneven voice as he pushed her to the hilt. The walls of the computer core morphed into arm like appendages to hold her hands above her head, to offer purchase as she began to buck like a greedy whore under Zoltán.

 "I love you, Zoltán," she sobbed as he began a slow thrusting, the thick lighting rod buried deep in her, pulling back, pushing in. She lost all sense of time and space and decorum as she egged him on, sobbing while she screamed at him, her body gyrating, hips lifting to keep him buried deep in her, not wanting to let him go.

 She melted, the colours merging into one, single glorious sensation that assaulted her wave after wave. He thrust harder, faster, bellowing, grunting as he penetrated her, then fucked in rhythmic, shocking speed until she stiffened, unable to contain herself or control her movements. She keened as Zoltán gave a final push and sent her crashing over the edge.

 And even though she climaxed noisily, Zoltán kept up his rhythmic thrusting into her pussy, on and on until her shudders had subsided and her body became still. He kept on thrusting, slowly, whipping her again a mild frenzy, but kept her body pinned down.

 "This has never been so good, darling Kathryn," Zoltán whispered, all the while he kept up pushing into her.

 "Never, Zoltán. You satisfy me more than I ask, more than I'll ever need," she whispered, her breathing still hard, her bosom rising and falling gently.

 "I need you, Kathryn. I need you. Have I satisfied you? You felt good today, my love. Soft and pliant and willing. When will I see you again?"

 Zoltán lay sprawled over her body, his face close to hers. That was the way the computer core changed about her. Unwilling to let Zoltán go, she lay there for several more minutes, enjoying the feeling of him thrusting gently in and out of her.

 When she finally removed the visor, it took her another few minutes to adjust to the laboratory's light. She rose heavily from the seat, pushing her dress down and smoothing the skirt against her ankles. She had come prepared, she always did, as she fumbled with a pocket in her dress and retrieved a large tissue. Then she lifted her skirt again and wiped the moistness and discharge from her vagina. When she felt dry again, she walked to the computer console.

 "As soon as possible, Zoltán. I will come again. I must make the most of the time I have here on my ship…"

 "Good, sweet, loving Kathryn. I will wait for you…"

 "Goodbye, Zoltán."

 **********************

 Her dinner in the mess hall later that evening was formal, Ambassador Grell not very talkative leaving only the rather jovial Admiral Swanson for company. Kathryn didn't mind. She needed a distraction from Zoltán, from her more than passionate encounter with him earlier. She was unwinding, slowly descending from the spiralling sensuality to which Zoltán had subjected her.

_Zoltán fucked you, Kathryn…_

She kept her concentration and finally, after several minutes and sipping Picard Shiraz, she mellowed and began to enjoy herself. Swanson and Grell were to remain on Zenbok IV for six months to set up talks and establish a Federation embassy there. It was interesting, and she realised how she missed this part of interstellar travel - the negotiations, the talks, the diplomacy required to deal with anything from a form of greeting to mining rights.

 "And you, Admiral Janeway?" Ambassador Grell started, "will you be commissioned to deep space again?"

 "Much as I'd love to, Ambassador, Starfleet Command commands that I stay behind my desk, for now."

 "More's the pity. You're designed for negotiations and diplomacy. I notice you can't seem to leave your old ship…"

 There was a pause. Swanson gave her a piercing look, nodding in agreement.

 "I lived on it for seven years, gentlemen. It will take time…"

 "I was like that once," offered Admiral Swanson. "I was commanding the USS Beresford thirty years ago, and spent five years in the Gamma Quadrant charting areas to be incorporated into the Federation. It was very hard to get off my ship…"

 Kathryn smiled.

 "I understand the feeling - "

 "But soon you have to let go, Admiral Janeway. It will grow into you until your health and well-being is affected," Swanson added. He was in his seventies, still on active duty. He held her gaze, a compassionate look in his eyes. For a moment Kathryn thought of her gentlemanly stepfather, also an admiral, also in his seventies, and imagined it was his compassionate eyes on her.

 She dropped her gaze in the onslaught of that look.

 "Did someone speak to you, Admiral Swanson?" she asked, her insides swamped by guilt and embarrassment.

 "Only because your mother and stepfather love you so much. I've known Admiral Ponsonby for many years. They are concerned…"

 She nodded. Flustered and agitated, she murmured her thanks before leaving their table and hurried away to her suite, planning the rest of her weekend which included visiting Zoltán again.

 *************

 Chakotay was a man with a mission as he stalked into the hydroponics bay.

 "Lessing!"

 "Sir! Ouch!"

 He waited for the owner of the voice to surface from behind one of the tanks in the far corner of hydroponics. Lessing had knocked his head as he came up and was rubbing the growing contusion.  He was dressed in coveralls bearing a legend "Escaped from Alcatraz". The escapee rushed to meet him.

 "What can I do for you, Captain?"

 "How long has this been going on?" he asked Lessing whose drooping liquid golden eyes gave him a  perpetually sad look.

 "Two years, sir. Right after our sojourn on Quarra which no one could remember except a few. But it is only in recent weeks that I've learnt about Zoltán. Uh, that is what you wanted to know, sir?"

 "Yes. What else?" 

 "You wish to know how much we know."

 "Dammit, yes, man!"

 "Well, Captain, each crewman and officer may visit the holodecks and work on their own programmes. It's just that Admiral Janeway made her visits very frequent. Almost too frequent. We became concerned."

 Chakotay nodded again.

 "She was the Captain, Lessing. She accumulated many holodeck hours. It was her right. Understand?"

 "I…understand, Captain. It is everyone's right. But Admiral Janeway mentioned Zoltán when she either returned from the Research Laboratory or was planning to visit there. Is it just a coincidence?"

 Chakotay remained quiet for several seconds, mentally formulating his response.

 "Lessing, it is not a coincidence. But whatever the situation is, I am investigating - "

 "Good, Captain. You may cure her of her addiction."

 If he hadn't been drilled in maintaining a poker face while being addressed by a junior officer, he'd have gone white with rage and the knowledge that Lessing spoke the truth.

 "Lessing," he said at length, "one word of this to anyone…anyone, and you're a dead man. Get that?"

 Noah Lessing blanched in the face of Chakotay's sudden fury.

 "Yes, Captain. I'm a dead man. Thank goodness you're going to do something. I'm sure you will succeed, because it's time Admiral Janeway realised that only Chakotay can cure her of her ills. And I say that, sir, with the greatest of respect. If I died by your hand, it would mean that Operation Zoltán was unsuccessful."

 "Just so you understand."

 "Completely."

 ********************

 It was against everything he believed as a moral and upstanding officer and gentleman. It was going to be an invasion of her privacy in the most gross manner possible. He was willing to face her wrath forever, if need be. Kathryn deserved better; she deserved the best. But if he were to help her, his particular brand of help was radical and objectionable.

 He knew it was one hell of a chance he was taking. He was going to take that chance because he loved her.

 Kathryn was going to visit the Research Lab at least one more time before the end of the weekend. He had spoken with Lessing. He couldn't understand how he felt so reluctant to confide in any of his senior officers. Lessing had been reinstated to Lieutenant but still preferred to work in hydroponics and remain a member of the exobiology team. If he thought of Tom or Tuvok or Seven of Nine who had the least understanding of the quirks of human nature in his opinion, or even their EMH, the very thought was repugnant to him. It was Kathryn at her most private and her most exposed in the circumstances. With her he wanted to keep her private life private. Whatever the outcome, no one was going to know about it.

 Noah Lessing could understand; he had the kind of listening power to inculcate total trust. Chakotay smiled grimly to himself. He admitted to liking Lessing, if only to relish that image of a shit scared Equinox officer awaiting death by gallows the way Kathryn pounced on him. The ship's gentle giant who could be humorous one moment and the next, offer solace to a grieving crewman.

 He felt much better after his conversation with Lessing and with a much lighter tread he made his way to the bridge. He nodded to Tuvok and Paris, who vacated the other command chair. As efficiently as it always happened on starships, they rotated their positions on the bridge. Paris, back at the conn, gave him a broad smile.

 

"What are you proposing to do, Captain?" Tuvok spoke.

 

Chakotay frowned. "What…?" he asked.

 

"About Admiral Janeway."

 

Chakotay sucked in his breath then exhaled slowly.

 

"She will be helped, Tuvok."

 

****************

 

END CHAPTER 3

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

* * *

Chakotay, still in uniform, left his quarters and strode down the corridor to the nearest turbolift. He couldn't wait to come off duty. He'd had his discourse with Admiral Swanson and Ambassador Grell. He'd been held up by mediating between two young ensigns which reminded him of a Torres-Carey standoff in the early days of Voyager. There was no Naomi Wildman on board, but a visiting cadet on a three month experiential block looked so green, she might well have been ten years old and completely in awe of him when he had his interview with her.

All the time he kept thinking of Kathryn, of his mission, of the possible fallout with her when he'd completed his mission. Then too, he kept thinking of her appearance, the glow which followed the almost hollow look in her eyes. If she continued… These thoughts stayed with him all day. He had been alarmed when Admiral Swanson shared with him her parents' concern that Kathryn couldn't part with Voyager. What he discovered filled him with even greater disquiet.

 When he finally could get away, he'd spent the time in his quarters - once Kathryn's home for seven years - poring over records of Kathryn's visits to the holodecks over the years. Her regular visits to the Research Laboratory only started two years ago, as Lessing corrected guessed, right after their sojourn on Quarra. Chakotay was convinced, however, that their Quarran experience had not been the impetus for Kathryn's rather deviant behaviour.

 Kathryn, he knew, was never going to indulge in onboard trysts with subordinates. He was her friend, her mentor, her moral compass, her guide and stay, her everything but a romantic interest. He was her subordinate, and that was what he had accepted. He had made his peace with that years ago. Kathryn was rigidly Starfleet, and while he sensed at times that she could love him as he loved her, he had known she'd never involve herself while, as she had said too many times, "My primary goal is to get my people home."  She'd programmed for herself a lover Michael in the Fair Haven programme and had outgrown him before Paris deleted it. Her sexual exploration in lieu of a physical and intimate relationship was more than just seeking that kind of release.

 Chakotay passed two ensigns who greeted him profusely and then scurried away. In the lift he sagged against the lift wall and closed his eyes.

 "Deck Six, and God help me."

 "Please rephrase."

 "Deck Six."

 The turbolift started moving. He knew what he was going to do, had seen and briefly experienced Zoltán in action and thought how Kathryn could have become drawn into this illusion. Nothing was real, even though it must have felt real. For her it had. Her visit yesterday to Deck Six had been noted by him and in the hours after that had left Kathryn flushed, precisely as if she had just had sex. He had seen her not long after she left the lab and knowing what to look for, could see that her heightened colour, the heavy lidded eyes that seemed to smoulder when she greeted him before hastily vanishing from sight had been the result of Zoltán's hold over her.

 It was 0200, Kathryn's favourite time for visiting the holodeck and Research Lab. A routine check on her whereabouts established that she had left her suite ten minutes ago. By now she was almost certainly inside the lab. He felt a wild thumping against his ribcage, a pulsing that throbbed even in his ears.

 "Captain…"

 He opened his eyes and realised the turbolift doors had opened on Deck Six and droopy-eyed, perpetually sad looking Lessing, of all people, stood waiting to enter.

 "Good luck, Captain. I do hope that you understand that a situation such as Admiral Janeway's is a process that will require counselling over a period of time. I also know that her recovery will be facilitated only by him who loves her with all his might and who will remain by her side even when things go tough…rough…"

 "Thank you, Lessing. I shall remember your words."

 He exited the lift and quickly walked towards the holodecks. Fortunately, the corridor was deserted with no insomniac crewman dwelling about. At the door of the Research Lab he paused and inhaled deeply.

 "It's now or never," he whispered as he entered the codes and the doors slid noiselessly open. He stood a second inside the doors and waited for them to close. The door were situated in such a way that he couldn't immediately see the computer console, and had to round a little corner first.

 He stepped forward, slowly, on his toes. He saw the computer console, silently moved past it. He had done all the reconfigurations the previous day. Chakotay looked at the centre of the room.

 Voices.

"Yes…do it now…"

 "Kathryn, my love," he heard Zoltán's voice, "you're in a hurry…be patient my love…"

 Chakotay closed his eyes for a moment, felt the bile rise in him. Kathryn lay on the reclining seat, her dress pulled high over her hips, a light dusting of golden curls covering her mound. He tried not to look, but couldn't help himself as he stared at her slit, transfixed. The bodice of her dress was pushed down to expose her creamy breasts. Her hands were above her head, held there by light streaks emanating from the walls of the main computer core. She gyrated her hips while an unseen Zoltán was creating the illusion of fucking her.

 He heard Kathryn's little mewling noises and felt like wanting to murder Zoltán. He knew Zoltán would sense his presence once he touched Kathryn.

 "I love you, Kathryn," he whispered to himself in painful wheezes. "I love you…"  Watching her lie there so exposed, he wanted to weep desperately. What was happening was wrong.

 Aroused, he undressed slowly, never taking his eyes off Kathryn, off her exposed lower body. His cock strained against his pants and when he pulled them down, it sprang erect, hard and filled with heat. He wanted her, he was ready and she was…reeling from Zoltán pulsing pricks.

 He gripped his cock, frigged it briefly. It seemed to grow bigger in his hand. He wondered absently if Kathryn had noticed that the seat had been reprogrammed to be wider.

 Chakotay lowered himself over her, bracing his hands at her sides. Then he caressed her thigh very gently. It was satin soft; he reeled from just that light brushing.

 "You are an intruder, Captain," he heard the displaced voice of Zoltán speak.

 "Back off, Zoltán, this lady's mine. I'm real, you're not…"

 With the visor over her eyes, Kathryn couldn't sense his presence. He had made sure of that. Chakotay touched Kathryn's wet throbbing folds, then continued to brush them gently. Her hips bucked. He strained to keep his control as his thumb grazed her nub, already exposed and quivering. He groaned.

 "Away, Captain. She belongs to me…"

 "And I told you to back off. Can't you see she loves my cock?" Chakotay growled, rubbing the knob of his cock against her pussy. He groaned again loudly this time as Kathryn responded instinctively to his insistent rubbing. He had never made love to Kathryn. This sensation was about to kill him. He was breathless, her reaction to his slow lubricating of her core almost his undoing as she raised her hips to him.

 "Oh, spirits, Kathryn," he cried as he leaned forward and entered her. She felt tight, surprisingly tight, but her pussy walls stretched to accommodate him. "God…Kathryn.." he cried against her neck as he began pushing into her. Her heat enveloped him, her slickness drew him further into her.

 When he filled her completely, he felt a momentary sense of swooning, but recovered when he heard Zoltán's voice.

 "Don't listen to that voice, my love. He's taking advantage of you…"

 Chakotay ignored Zoltán. Instead, he began moving in Kathryn, felt her juices surround him.

 “She’ll hate you forever, Captain. She hates you now…”

 “I love you, Kathryn…” he whispered close to her ear. She arched, made a little mewling sound. He gave a grunt of pleasure. Kathryn was responding to him. Her legs came up and pinned his waist. He grunted again, then kissed her in a brief, searing kiss.

  _It's now or never…_

He placed his hands at the sides of her head, kissing her reverently before slowly, slowly, removing her visor. He kept thrusting, the urge to pound her mercilessly tempered with ruthless self-control.

 When the visor fell off, Kathryn blink several times, before her gaze met his. He knew he had disabled Zoltán for now. When recognition dawned, she blinked again, her eyes moist.

 "C-Chakotay…?"

 Her body stilled, her knees dropping away from his hips. He stopped thrusting. He held her head, laced his fingers in her hair. He wanted to swear because she looked so vulnerable, so flushed with sex. His cock throbbed a steady rhythm in her.

 "I love you, my Kathryn. Only because I love you so…" he began, stammering with passionate entreaty. "Please…"

 Shadows flickered in her eyes, shadows that danced like Guilt, Surprised, or Passion, Undone, or Shame, Welcomed. Then her eyes closed. "I love you…" he whispered.  For several heady seconds he waited, his heart hammering, his eyes moist with tears. He waited…waited… She held his gaze; the shadow dancers moved away. Her mouth fell open, moist lips that made him want to break.

 Then her hips moved under his. She was slick and wanton. He gave a sob as her legs came up again and clung to him. Her hands, now freed from the computer core, with Zoltán kept firmly away for now, gripped his shoulders, damp with need. She kept her eyes on him, watched their movements as they seemed to mirror in his eyes. She began to gasp, her mouth open. He kissed her open mouth, began thrusting hard into her. They moved together, his hands in her hair, his lips against hers, groaning as he pounded. He wanted to make love to her all night, never stop. He wanted to lie with her in her bed or his bed and hold her close to him. Kathryn bucked against him and when he felt her stiffen, he knew she was close to the edge of the chasm. He cried out sharply when her nails scored his back as he slammed his cock into her.

 "Kathryn!!!"

 She gave a long, keening cry as she crashed over the bottomless chasm, pulling him with her. Sometime during those moments, he lost consciousness, he was sure of it. Sometime during those moments, he and Kathryn became a single entity, a sentient unit filled with passion so intense that tumbling mindlessly down, down into the chasm was a welcome release.

 A welcome release.

 They landed softly, like a cloud coming to rest peacefully. Everything around them was no longer dark, but white, bright light.

 Chakotay, soaked in perspiration, still locked firmly to Kathryn, raised his head first, giving a tight smile. They were on a bed in the middle of the Research Lab. A bed with white, satin tangled sheets. His hands were still grasping her head, fingers laced in her hair, her mouth open, so close to his own that he kissed her tenderly.

 Her face was wet and he used his thumb to brush away the dampness. He felt no inclination to be separated from her. He had never made love to her and now that he tasted her, drove, if only temporarily, an illusion away from her, he couldn't imagine being without her again. He was still hard and his cock still pulsed inside her.

 "Open your eyes, Kathryn…please…" he begged.

 She turned her head to the side. Another tear seeped from her closed eyelids, soaking into the sheets. A sob escaped her. Her body was still warm, her core slick with his semen. Slowly, he began to thrust again, very slowly. He was aroused again, keeping the slow, lazy thrusting. She shifted, his heart rejoicing when she spread her legs and arched into him.

 "Look at me, sweetheart…" he pleaded again.

 She opened her tearstained eyes.

 "I am Chakotay…Chakotay… It's my voice, Kathryn, my voice you hear. Listen to my voice… You will be free of him, okay? Because I'm here…I'm real…real…real…real…"

 All the time he thrust gently into her, his heart racing as he realised her body welcomed him, and that her spirit embraced him.

 But Kathryn didn't utter a word, and when she reached her climax, clung sobbing to him. He held her close, her face flushed, her hair damp. Later, when they had both become calm, he disengaged from her, smiling sadly when she tried to hold on to him as long as possible. He sat down next to her and started to tidy her dress, smoothing her hair. Her dress he noticed, had pockets and from it she removed a large wipe. Smiling again, he took it from her and very gently began to wipe her. When he finished, he began to dress while she waited for him.

 Finally, neat again in his uniform and she in her dress and shoes, he held her close.

 "Computer, end programme…" he ordered. Next instant the bed was gone.

 He saw her frown, pressing his fingers tenderly against her lips.

 "Deleting him is up to you, Kathryn, honey…"

 She opened her mouth to say something, then closed her mouth, her eyes filling with shame. He pulled her close to him again, resting his forehead against hers, cupping her cheeks with his palms. When he had done swearing silently, he held her away from him.

 "Come, I'll take you to your suite…"

 Kathryn acquiesced, a tired smile breaking through the shame.

 When they stood outside the lab, the corridor was again deserted. Hand resting on her shoulder, they moved towards the turbolift. At the entrance to her suite, he paused, turning her to face him. This time she looked at him, her eyes pensive.

 " Zoltán was my life…" she said softly.

 "I know, Kathryn. Look, if you like, we can talk in the morning, okay?"

 He thought that they had to talk about what happened, especially his part in it, his feelings, his love. But right now, Kathryn looked exhausted. He was tired too and the few hours sleep he had left would help clear his brain.

 "How - how long did you know…?"

 He expelled a sigh. She had to know about Seven of Nine, Noah Lessing. Only the truth, however much it hurt.

 "Seven was doing a maintenance check of the holodeck programmes. All but yours had been taken off by the crewmembers and loaded onto their personal consoles until Starfleet Command was satisfied that Voyager was "clean". By matching the dates, yours seemed to be the only that was still active. It had a subroutine you named Zoltán. Lessing mentioned that you spoke of a Zoltán while you were unaware that he was still within earshot. I'm sorry, Kathryn…"

 She nodded, then quietly turned to key in her code to open her doors. Without another word she entered and closed the doors. He stood there a long time before turning to leave for his own quarters.

 ***

 It was morning. Kathryn woke sluggishly as her chronometer chimed 0600. Memories of what happened during the night in the lab swamped her. She had Zoltán with her and in her. Then later, Zoltán's voice had faded away, even though her body felt heavier, or that a heavier weight was pressing against her.

 Closing her eyes at the memory of Chakotay moving in her, she felt a hot prick of tears. He knew her secret now. Still, she couldn't help touching her mound, pressing her hand against it. It felt sore, stretched, used. Real semen had dripped from her, Chakotay's semen. He loved her, the thought screamed in her brain. But so did Zoltán. It seemed to her now, hours later, when she could think about it, that Zoltán and Chakotay fought for control of her body and her soul. In the swirling haze of passion she could see the two, one a figment of light and programming and the other, flesh and blood making love to her so that for a while she was caught up in the twin sensations of passion. She could even now, hours later, hear Chakotay telling Zoltán to back off, or Zoltán demanding that Chakotay move away from her.

 She realised now that Chakotay must have gone in earlier and reconfigured Zoltán's subroutines. Zoltán had been acting strange, like suggesting that she had been there earlier. Was that why his voice and sensory parameters were disabled the moment the visor was removed? She had not been surprised that it was Chakotay whose body writhed against hers, but her shame was too great. It was always going to be Chakotay, she realised with a pang, who would make her body respond the way it had last night. No, she hadn't been surprised when she saw it was him, and her body, her heart, her mind and soul welcomed the man who had been by her side for so many years. She pictured his face again in those moments, the way he whispered over and over "I love you". In those moments Zoltán was gone from her mind completely and only Chakotay existed - alive, his flesh joined with hers - and for the first time she could run her fingers along his back and score deep scratches which, more than anything, made the experience of lovemaking a mutual sharing.

 "Oh, God…" she moaned, burying her face in the soft pillow. Chakotay made her feel, really feel, for the first time. Her entire body was alive, tingling, Chakotay's skin against hers remembered by every pore, every centimetre of skin. She still smelled of sex, had simply tumbled into bed after stripping her dress off.

 Now memories of Chakotay assailed her. He had been gentle, so gentle with her, understanding, loving, caressing. He had been rough, hard, so tender that she cried. She had almost forgotten how caring he could be and last night… Several minutes long Kathryn stretched dreamily, bathing herself in the memories of Chakotay making love to her, loving her.

 When her door chimed, she sat bolt upright, pulling the sheet right up to her chin.

 "One moment…"

 Then she scrambled to put on her robe and tie the cord at her waist, dashing from her room to stand in the lounge.

 "Enter."

 Chakotay stepped inside and the door closed behind him.

 "We have to talk, Kathryn," he started, pushing her gently to sit on her couch. He sat down next to her. "I've done something - "

 "Right."

 "What?"

 She sighed deeply.

 “The way I know you, it was a difficult decision to make.” She smiled when he nodded. “You would never betray my trust or invade my privacy, so when you did, I knew you’d do it at the risk of losing me…again…”  She had cried last night in bed, thinking about what impelled him to such an act, that he could love her so much that it was the only way he knew he could help her.

 “I’m glad that you understand.”

 "Zoltán was always jealous of you, Chakotay."

 "Zoltán, or Voyager?"

 Another pained sigh.

 "After a while it became a blur. I was unable to break with Voyager, you understand?"

 "And you used a programme to feed that addiction…"

 "Voyager, you must know, was to me - "

 "Like a part of your family. You felt as close to Voyager as you did to any other member of your crew. You once told Tuvok that."

 "Yes. In the last year on Voyager I became deathly afraid of losing her…"

 She saw Chakotay smile, his eyes bright.

 "What?" she asked.

 "You made Voyager a girl again."

 "I was deranged."

 "I was always there…"

 She felt her eyes burn with unshed tears. Reaching to trace the outline of his tattoo, she said softly, "I know. I just forgot…I traded too much on our friendship…I'm so sorry…"

 "It's not over, Kathryn," he said bluntly, yet his voice was tinged with tenderness.

 "You will be there?"

 "Always. Besides, now that I've tasted heaven, I'd love a daily dose of it…"

 She thought how Chakotay filled her completely, how just the physical contact, flesh against flesh made her realise how real it was, how suddenly, she craved such contact.

 "Will you join me for breakfast at 0700?" he asked, taking her hand in his.

 "Mess Hall?"

 "Captain's quarters."

 His dimples deepened. She leaned forward and kissed him on the lips, a kiss that lingered. When she pulled away finally, Chakotay got up. He looked a whole lot more relaxed, and relieved too. Why, she thought with wonder, he looked…happy.

 "I'd better get out of here, or I won't be able to get out of here…"

 ************** 

 Chakotay watched in silence as Kathryn, now in uniform, stood in front of the computer console in the Holodeck Research Laboratory. They had had a pleasant day which started when they met for breakfast in his quarters. He had refrained from touching her again, but Kathryn had no such restraint and often kissed him. She looked relaxed, even happy. His fears that her healing might be a long process had begun to evaporate. Her eyes were clear, and it almost unsettled him because it was so very different from the way she had looked every time she had come on board Voyager. His heart sang. It was going to be all right after all.

 They had lunch in the mess hall where Lessing had nodded approvingly and Seven of Nine had greeted them with a smile before joining Harry and Tom. Kathryn’s discomfort had been brief, for Lessing and Seven, and indeed the former crew who passed their table in the mess hall all had warm, approving looks.

 It was time for her to leave. He had not pressed her for any future plans. It was her call, although he was happy at last that she knew how much he loved her.

 "It was those words that pulled me to my reality, Chakotay," she had told him an hour ago. "I am humbled by the power of your feelings. But please, give me time, okay?"

 He had nodded, squeezing her hand gently before kissing her. Zoltán, he knew, was going to haunt her still for a while, but she was on the road to recovery.

 "I'm leaving tonight, Chakotay," she had said earlier in his ready room.

 "But?" he asked, because he sensed that something was on her mind.

 "Come with me to the Research Lab?"

 He had looked long at her, his mind whirling with the magnitude of her words. He had nodded silently, and she had clasped his hands in hers. The moment was too hallowed to speak.

 Now Kathryn stood ready to do what she felt she needed to do.

 "It's the start of the healing process, Kathryn," he said softly.

 "No, Chakotay, honey, the healing has already started."

 He smiled. "Then I am glad."

 She remained thoughtful for a few minutes, facing away from him. Then he heard her give a great big sigh.

 "Computer, delete Janeway Beta 4-7-7."

 **********

 

_My dear Chakotay_

_Two years ago I when I felt in my bones that we would soon be home, fear of losing Voyager, of losing my family made me do something stupid. It was folly, and only a fool could entertain the notion that a programme, however sophisticated, could substitute human need, human emotion, human sensuality. To a fool (me) it made sense to seek out an alternative such as Zoltán to feed that need in me where I didn't have to engage in the demands of a relationship with a human._

_I suppressed all feelings, was always ready to forego joy and ruled my kingdom at the expense of personal happiness. It was too important for me to see that my crew was happy. My primary goal was to bring Voyager home. My primary duty was to ensure the safety of my crew. I was married to the Federation and upheld its laws like a good and obedient spouse, with its intrepid starship my home and its inhabitants my family. I felt the same closeness, the same bond to Voyager as I felt to my family and when you lose someone very close to you, you mourn the loss of that person intensely. Over the years I have experienced such loss that caused me to descend into dark realms. The thought of losing Voyager became unbearable and as you know, when we returned, I had no choice._

_So I created Zoltán._

_By the time I wanted to stop what I feared was becoming an addiction, it was too late. I couldn't stop. Heaven knows what would have happened to me had you not rescued me. Zoltán and Voyager. Voyager and Zoltán. They were one and the same, the one a representation of the other._

_The shame will be with me a long time, Chakotay. I don't mind admitting that. But it is also the joy in discovering that real love was right within me and right beside me, that will forever remain the foundation of what you and I have._

_I was blind, too blind to see this, my love, and for that I am indeed so very sorry._

_I am on my way to Earth with the knowledge that I shall see you in three months' time and anticipate the joy that you can tell me  you wish to hold heaven in your hands._

_You saved my life._

_********_

  **A year later on New Year's eve…**

 It was cold, but Admiral Janeway braved the inclement weather as she waited near the transporter station at Starfleet Headquarters. She had sent her aide home and told him not to lose sight of the real things that matter in life.

 She was excited. Chakotay would be home after a two month long stint in the Vomar System in his new vessel, the USS Abyssinia, a constellation class starship. The Abyssinia would remain docked at Earth’s Spacedock for a month before leaving on its next mission into deep space.

 She couldn’t wait to see him, especially to touch him again. She missed him like her very breath and her last communication with him had been fraught with frustration, making her want to claw the vidcom monitor and score long scratches on its smooth surface.

 Smiling to herself, she thought of the resolutions she had made a year ago and how she had managed to stick by them. Chakotay was a wonderful man who could set her alight just by his smouldering black eyes and his dimpled smile, the open invitation during their subspace communications to make love to him.

 That he loved her for so long, brought back a twinge of guilt, and it brought to the fore his words of comfort, “We’re together now, honey. That is all that matters…” She’d expressed her feelings for him in a moving letter and when they met again three months later, had fallen at his feet and declared her love for him, over and over. Her resolutions the previous year had been simple, seemingly unattainable. She’d wanted to separate herself from Voyager, had wanted to make it up to Chakotay and ask him to help her.

 This year she had three.

 Resolution one: _Propose to Chakotay and surprise the devil out of him_.

 They had been occupying a bay in the Metropolitan Opera house and during Cio Cio San’s stirring “One fine day”,  she had taken Chakotay’s hand, slid down close to him and asked him to marry her. If Chakotay had been drinking coffee, it would have spluttered right down on poor Cio Cio San so surprised he was. Two weeks later, one fine day in May, Owen Paris joined them in marriage.

 Resolution two: S _he vowed to let Chakotay have his daily dose of “heaven in his hands”_ whenever he was home from a mission. He was always ready and she was always available, on a daily basis. He never tired of making love to her. She never tired of telling him how much she loved him.

 Resolution three: Zoltán. Who the  $%&@  is Zoltán?

 “Dreaming again, Kathryn?”

 He stood a meter from her and she dashed into his waiting arms. Her whole body warmed instantly in his bear-like hug. He held her close and she wanted to swoon when his lips came searing down on hers.

 When she finally broke the kiss, she cupped his cheeks.

 “Chakotay, darling,” she started, breathless from the heat of the kiss, her cheeks flaming in the cold, “I have made three New Year’s resolutions!”

 He graced her with his perfect smile.

 “And are you going to tell me, my love?”

 “Only about a year from now!”

 *****************

  **END**

 


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